5 Sneakers You Must Have, Tested on 400 Metres of Antwerp Cobblestone
Five sneakers with drainpipe soles, a split tongue and a heel like a bridge arch, walked over the cobbles behind the Scheldt until each one gave up its flaw.
The cobbles behind the Scheldt are 11 centimetres of misery per step, which makes them a fair judge. I walked five pairs over them on a grey Saturday morning and wrote down what each one did. None of them was sensible.
1. Maas & Fennel Gutter Pearl
The midsole is a clear resin tube that bends like a drainpipe under a balcony. One grey pebble sits trapped inside it, in the left shoe only. The upper is mustard waxed canvas, stiff as a tarp, with white taped seams. Buy it if you stop to photograph downspouts. Drawback: the resin coughs on tile floors, and after rain the tube holds a little water for days. You will hear it at every step.
2. Kallmark Tuba Low
A cobalt nylon upper sits on a lacquered cork sole that flares at the heel like the bell of a horn. The flare is 9 centimetres wide and finished in brass-coloured paint. It gives you a stride like a small parade. Wear it if you want to be heard coming. Drawback: the bell catches on revolving doors, tram steps and the legs of your own trousers. Two wearers on our test street needed rescuing.
3. Orlo Brandt Second Mouth
The tongue splits in two and runs all the way up the shin, in hot pink felt. Underneath, the upper is acid-green mesh with a slit at the heel that opens as you walk. It looks like the shoe is about to say something. Good for people who answer questions with a raised eyebrow. Drawback: the felt takes on every drop of weather, and the slit lets in grit. By the end of the street my socks were pink and grey.
4. Pilar Noord The Dockhand
Sailcloth upper, stitched in orange thread, over three stepped slabs of grey rubber that rise like a quay wall. The toe is square and blunt. It looks built to be left outside. Buy it if you carry heavy things for a living, or want to look as if you do. Drawback: each shoe weighs 1.4 kilograms. By the third hundred metres my calves had opinions and I kept them to myself.
5. Bruinhart Lamp Post 9
Red patent leather, cut sharp at the toe, on a sole with no heel at all. Instead there is a single hollow arch beneath the arch of your foot, like a small bridge over a canal. It is the lightest pair of the five at 310 grams. Wear it if you like walking on the front of your feet. Drawback: it stands up only while you are in it. Take it off and it falls over, always facing the wrong way.
Buy one. Buy the one that scares you a little. Keep the receipt for the one that squeaks.
